The holidays have been difficult for me this year – though no one wants to speak it aloud, I cannot help but wonder if I will be here to celebrate next year… or the year after. I do not ask for these thoughts, nor do I promote them – but they float, unbidden, into my conscious thought process.
I spent the first 8 months of 2012 demolishing boarders and exploring new frontiers… ridding myself of unnecessary burdens and fears and experiencing life in a whole new way. I opened my mind, heart, soul, and physical body in ways that I had not allowed myself to do before and I enjoyed every moment. Each fear conquered allowed my heart and spirit to soar – to expand to depths I had not realized were possible. I felt that I was finally on the path meant for me… I believed that my boundaries had become infinite and, for the first time, truly saw myself as the fearless Warrior – capable of anything, worthy of love, a miracle in my own right, and enjoying family, friendship, and love to a degree that I had never before experienced…
My quest included making changes to my physical being and therefore included a weight-loss and workout regime, getting a physical, taking care of my lady-parts, and doing everything that I could to ensure well-rounded health and well-being. The first glitch in my journey occurred when I experienced severe chest-pain and ended up in the hospital. The final diagnosis was vaso-spasms without heart disease. Vaso-spasms hold their own dangers, even with a healthy heart, but I was put on medication and decided that I would continue my journey and not let this stop or scare me. The odds of this condition “doing me in” are somewhat more than being killed in a car accident – and accident statistics certainly did not stop me from driving halfway across the country alone – so this was not going to stop me either.
As I lost weight, I discovered a funky lump on my abdomen – long story short – it turned out to be an aggressive, rare cancer known as soft-tissue sarcoma, specifically liposarcoma. Two operations later (the last produced clear, or tumor-free, margins), I am attempting to prepare for the next step which is a 6-month course of chemotherapy. My medical oncologist has informed me that I will become physically ill, have difficulty keeping food down, become weak and fatigued, lose every hair on my body, and be highly susceptible to infection (some of which can be life-threatening). Because sarcoma is a sneaky bastard that likes to hide in normal-appearing cells, I have weighed the benefits versus the risks and elected to have the chemo. I was warned, however, that sarcoma also likes to return, either in the place of origin or in a distant location… My scans have already shown irregularities in my lymph nodes – another reason that I have elected to undergo chemotherapy.
Most cancers are measured on a 5-year time-table. In other words, being disease-free for 5 years equates to being considered cured. Sarcoma is ruthless – the time-table for this particular cancer is 10 years… so the next decade of my life will include regular CT and PET scans and perhaps more surgeries, radiation, and additional rounds of chemo. I would like to note that sarcoma is NOT a carcinogenic cancer, and therefore, there are no known life-style changes that can be made to assist in remaining cancer-free. It is truly a roll of the most unfavorable dice that I can imagine… Because of its non-carcinogenic nature and its rarity, no one truly knows why or how this cancer develops. My specific tumor happens to be a Grade 3 (aggressive) and was 8.5 centimeters – making it a Stage III condition. What is known is that these specifics make me more prone to recurrence than if the Grade and Staging were lower. In basic terms, I will be “a cancer patient” for the rest of my life – I do NOT want to be a “patient”… I WANT TO BE A SURVIVOR!!!
Two surgeries in 6 weeks time has taken its toll on my body and spirit – I tire easily and am more prone to tears than at any time in recent memory. This time of “limbo” in between surgery and the start of chemotherapy is difficult for me… it gives me too much time to think, to research, to discover studies on my condition that I would probably have been better off not reading. But it is part of my nature to learn, to be prepared, to uncover the truth… so I do not think that I could stop myself, even if I vowed to…
During all of this, my heart was broken when someone I considered a dear friend abandoned me, called me a liar, and betrayed me in ways that I had not envisioned were possible. I have walked away and not looked back – but a person can walk and still be broken… Other friends, my wonderful family, and even those who were virtual strangers before all of this began have been my own personal blessing… the support I am receiving amazes me and fills the holes in my heart and the fear in my soul with thankfulness. Honestly, I do not know what I would do without my ass-kicking “cancer posse!!” You all make it possible for me to get out of bed every day with a lightness in my heart despite the veil of depression and fear that threatens to overwhelm me at times… You are my earthly-angels, my personal miracles – and I love each of you from a place deep within my heart.
2012 started out with me pushing my limits and discovering my inner Warrior and is ending with me needing that Warrior more than I ever could have imagined…
As we embark into whatever 2013 holds for us – I wish you all happiness, health, and love…
~~Vickie Anne~~
the dirty "c" word 